Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
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Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.