You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
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you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Employees must applaud the planets.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?