In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
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selena gomez
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”