Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
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I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days