The three genders
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me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies