Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
how much for the angry fruit?
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.