stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
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“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.