[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
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WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Warm pools make me nervous.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
twitter is a journey
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009: