The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
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Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
just gave your address to some spiders
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”