Seek kebab; not attention
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If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Yup.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers