Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
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Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
This headline is a thing of beauty
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.