[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
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Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Which wines pair best with gloating?
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”