Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
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You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen