I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
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[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*