I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
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Simple
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Google assistant rules
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.