Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
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Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”