*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
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Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Growing out my freckles.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm