WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
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What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop