During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
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What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.