Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
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The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
こいつ天才
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.