tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
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I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
what’s really going on
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.