[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
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Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.