They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
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Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
do horses think humans are hats