Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
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sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.