Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
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I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.