Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
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The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO