Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
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I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
this is the best interaction on twitter
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place