Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
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Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER