why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
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trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.