I love hard, but I stupid harder.
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[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams