doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
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[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up