My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
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Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]