Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
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im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue