I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
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Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.