I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
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guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Oops I deleted….
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?