Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
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Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
#Caturday
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”