I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
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Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
get you a girl who
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer