That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
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End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!