I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
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[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
They also CAN sing✌️
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Me if I was a dog
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob