Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
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Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
This hospital has everything
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”