72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
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Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
A game married people play.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.