Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
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Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Awesome parenting 😂
What’s so funny?
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.