I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
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for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
[eats all your cotton candy]
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
best first i’ve ever seen
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.