When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
You Might Also Like
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
They’re not wrong
so weird how every mom was born today
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what