Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
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My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i