My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
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He wanted to make sure😂
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.