When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
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Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Fidel Castro was alive?
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what