That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
You Might Also Like
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.