My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
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FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair