I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
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Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
I falcon love using swear birds
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.